burningdarkfire (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
burningdarkfire) wrote2010-03-07 10:04 pm
burningdarkfire) wrote2010-03-07 10:04 pm
Crimson - 5. Wishing For Happiness [TRC; KuroFai]
Title: Crimson - Wishing For Happiness
Series: TRC
Pairing: KuroFai
Rating: PG
Length: about 3000 words, chapter 5 (1.5/??)
Note: runs parallel to Sapphire
Kurogane climbed back onto the roof, joining Syaoran as he looked out over the white plains. The approaching soldiers had come closer and now, as the sun was beginning to set, the previously nearly indistinguishable horizon had been emphasized with a band of men dressed in bright red.
They’re not even trying to hide, Kurogane thought disgustedly. They’re just shouting out, ‘We’re not afraid, because we know we can slaughter you all!’
Well, they’ve got a surprise coming. He stroked Souhi’s handle. He had had Ginryuu sent back to Tomoyo by the mage, and Fai had refused to place another spell on his arm, leaving him to sheath Souhi at his waist.
“They’ve just set up camp for the night,” Syaoran reported, gesturing at the mass of tents now erected, accompanied by a several fires.
“How many fires are there?” Kurogane squinted into the distance, glad that the flaming sun was at least not in his face.
“At least 20, as many as 25, I think.” Syaoran’s voice didn’t quaver, even at the thought of being possibly being outnumbered by eighty to one.
God damnit, it’s going to be a suicide mission, Kurogane felt despair threaten him, a feeling he was not very familiar with. Even I can’t take on eighty men at once without serious injuries, and who knows how many out there are sorcerers of this king.
“You should get some sleep,” he advised the kid. “You’ll need to be well-rested tomorrow.” And very, very lucky.
“Make sure to wake up Fai-san when it’s his turn to take watch so you can get some sleep too,” Syaoran gave Kurogane a serious look, as if he had read the older man’s thoughts and knew that Kurogane had planned to let the idiot sleep through his shift, if only so he wouldn’t have a chance to talk to him.
Kurogane mutely nodded and Syaoran descended into the attic from which Kurogane had just come from. Whether or not Kurogane would actually listen to his directives was a something that remained to be seen.
Tomorrow, I face an army to save people I barely know, Kurogane was left alone with his thoughts. Tomoyo-hime would be proud.
To his dismay, the vast majority of the thoughts that now visited him were not ones he wanted to have. Instead of thinking of how the three of them could possibly defeat a group of what appeared to be about 250 soldiers, he found himself thinking about the mage again.
I remember when I first saw him in that witch’s shop, he hadn’t been smiling. The memory came, of the day when he had arrived in a rage to the strange, more technologically advanced Japan. The day when his life had fallen apart, only to reassemble as something else entirely. He hadn’t been smiling, but by the time we made it to Hanshin, his mask was firmly in place. His precious “healing magic”.
He and Fai had arrived at the same time, with wishes as opposing as their personalities.
We’ve both changed, He ran his fingers lightly over his mechanical arm. As have our wishes and desires.
He has learned how to truly smile again, although it is not something that’s neither common nor easy for him. There was a time when I would have thought that his mask was completely gone, but it had only been replaced with a colder, icier one. Just when I think that that one had finally melted, leaving him exposed, I’m faced with what happened last night, and I’m not so sure anymore.
I’ve lost and gained an arm. According to Tomoyo, I’ve realized the meaning of true strength, but to me, it seems like all the first journey has given me is the knowledge that sometimes, I am powerless to help, no matter how desperately I may want to protect someone. It’s not a kind or soothing thought.
My wish was granted, yet I threw it away when I left again. His wish was overturned by himself when he wished to go to Celes and confronted Ashura.
The clone’s wish had been to retrieve all of the princess’s feathers, while the real kid’s wish had been to have another chance to save her life. Now, the clone is just a memory, and the kid is on another journey to grant a new wish.
The mage probably has a hidden wish, one that he would ever tell anyone about it without a lot of prodding and questioning, and maybe not even then. Who knows what he’s thinking about all the time? Not me.
I don’t even know my own desires. If today I were to be asked by that witch’s assistant what my wish was, I wouldn’t know how to answer anymore.
I wouldn’t wish for a victory tomorrow, as that wouldn’t be honourable. I wouldn’t wish that Syaoran succeeds in his journey, as that might not be possible, and besides, that would defeat the purpose of his, and my, travelling.
One thing that I could wish for, as I want it dearly, is something I couldn’t ever wish for, as the price shouldn’t be mine to pay.
I wish …
I wish the idiot could be happy.
But his happiness is something he must decide to make for himself.
I can only hope, and help in any way I can.
Just as I will for the kid.
Just as I would for Tomoyo-hime.
Just as I would have for my parents.
What happened to my parents won’t happen to him.
He’s mine to protect now.
In the end though, there was one thought that overwhelmed the rest and settled not only in his head, but in his heart as well.
I won’t let them die.
-
Silver light from the moon and stars spilled over the landscape. It would have been a beautiful view, if not for the soldiers sleeping at the edge of the visible plains.
As it was, Kurogane was not in the mood to enjoy scenery. It was midnight and his watch was over. He stood up and stretched, almost startled to see that time had passed so quickly with the absence of conscious thoughts.
He heard the latch to the door open and turned to see the blond step onto the roof, his long Celes robe dragging on the ground as usual.
Kurogane nodded to him and stepped inside. The coat that someone had lent him was slightly tight on him and he couldn’t wait to be out of it and in a heated room.
“Don’t fall asleep,” he grunted, holding the door open.
“Don’t worry, Kuro-pu,” he offered a small tentative smile. There was something odd.
The mage was … different somehow.
Kurogane glared at him.
“Good. I’m trusting you,” he said before closing the door.
Don’t let me down.
-
After skimming the surface of sleep for a couple of hours, Kurogane found himself staring out the window.
Come on, he commanded himself. If you’re not going to sleep, you should be thinking of a battle plan!
Instead, his head was filled with ridiculous thoughts of things he should do before it was too late and a growing sense of unease.
Heaving a sigh, he decided to check up on the mage and make sure he wasn’t slacking off.
-
He found him lying on his back, seemingly oblivious to the snow on the roof, with his eyes closed and humming.
“You know, being on watch usually involves watching,” Kurogane growled, leaning over him. “What if, a spy had been sent ahead to check out our defenses? Or an assassin had been creeping up to finish us off before we got a chance at an honorable battle?”
The humming stopped and a blue eye lazily blinked open.
“But I am watching, Kuro-pon! I’m using my magic to feel for auras and spells,” Fai sat up and rubbed his eyes. “I have to stay up here for at least another two hours until sunrise, so why are you here?”
Kurogane chose to ignore the question. “What if someone was hiding their magic, like you do?”
Fai shrugged. “If there was someone using magic and hiding it, I wouldn’t be able to see it either. Besides, I’ve placed wards around this entire town, and nothing will enter or leave without my permission.”
Kurogane grunted, at a loss for words.
Fai smiled. Kurogane scrutinized him, and decided it was a real smile, if only because it was not a happy one.
A mental battle promptly broke out in his mind. What should he do? Should he comfort the other man? Should he ask him what’s wrong? He wanted to, but he was a hardened seasoned warrior. He did not know, nor did he really care to, how to comfort people.
Finding himself in a suddenly awkward situation, Kurogane made a quick decision.
No one was going to die tomorrow, not if he could help it. But still … He really shouldn’t do anything that he wouldn’t want to remember as he was sent to his grave.
He squatted down and looked Fai in the eyes. “I told you before; don’t smile if you don’t feel like it. No one is forcing you to be happy. Your happiness is something you must make for yourself.” He found himself repeating his own thoughts from earlier.
“But Kuro-chan,” Fai said softly, sad smile still in place. “Wouldn’t you be happier if I was happy?”
Kurogane wondered how seriously Fai was asking the question and avoided his eyes as he thought. Should he answer truthfully? That yes, he would be? Or was this a trick, potentially dooming him to several more months of incessant teasing?
Still debating, he turned back; only to find that the other man had turned away, smile no longer present.
Left with the feeling that his moment had passed and he had not lived up to expectations, he felt oddly deflated.
The mage’s next words were spoken so quietly that he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to have heard them.
“Sometimes, Kuro-sama, I feel as if I’m running away faster from happiness than I am from life.”
Why? What kind of man runs away from happiness?
What kind of man runs away from life?
Finding himself, once again, unsure what to do or say, Kurogane spoke his mind.
“I really don’t understand you,” he spoke slowly, almost delicately, trying to measure the reaction to his words. There was none. “But I do understand this: you need to stop running, and start living.”
After a moment of quiet silence, Fai looked up again and the smile flowed back as if it had never been gone.
And while you’re at it, get rid of the fake smiles. They’re beginning to look worn.
The only sound to be heard was a faint rustle of clothing as Fai scooted over so he could rest his head on Kurogane’s shoulder. Almost automatically, Kurogane reached over with his arm and hugged Fai to him.
I’ll help you.
-
Time meandered placidly as Kurogane looked at, but did not see, the stars.
Fai had fallen asleep a short while ago, leaving Kurogane to watch the horizon for their enemy.
Stupid idiot, he thought, although not harshly, falling asleep during his shift.
Kurogane started humming, the tranquility and quiet doing much to put and keep him in a good mood. The feeling of Fai’s body against his made him happy, and it took him a few moments of reflection to figure out why.
He trusted him enough to fall asleep like this.
The thought warmed his heart and he couldn’t help a little smile as he looked down.
He looks so vulnerable when he’s sleeping. Kurogane subconsciously started stroking the other’s hair. The blond strands slipped through his fingers like a whispered secrets, escaping his grasp to fall down into perfect disarray again. He leaned in …
… and realized what he was doing. He withdrew his entire arm in shock.
What am I doing!?
Wha … What?!
Fai, apparently sensing the lack of warm around him, twisted closer to him without waking up.
Uncomfortable now, Kurogane froze, unsure what to do.
Get up, a part of him screamed at him. Get up, get up! Get up before something, before anything happens! You’re a warrior! You don’t have time for someone that can’t even live on his own! Leave him! GET UP!
He had almost made up his mind to leave and run away when the other part of him finally decided to spring to life.
No! Stay! The images flashed before him, of Fai in Outo, Fai in Piffle, Fai in Tokyo, Fai in Infinity, every time he had had that look on his face, the look that let Kurogane see just how afraid he was to trust again, to make another bond. Would you destroy him the same way Ashura did?
Ashura was a madman! He argued with himself.
No … Ashura loved Fai. More than anyone else, Fai was his most precious person … and it was because of that that Ashura did his very best to insure that Fai would break both his curses and could live on.
I can’t leave him.
Heaving a long sigh, he lifted Fai up onto his lap. No sooner than a few seconds after he was settled, Fai started making an odd sound.
Is he … purring? Kurogane was dumbfounded. Is it supposed to be possible for a human to make that sound?
Either way … Kurogane leaned back, placing his weight on his two palms as he stretched his arms behind him. He’s mine to protect now.
-
The smallest rays of sun had already started conquering the night when the first tears appeared, sliding silently down his cheek, leaving trails that glistened like frost.
Kurogane had decided against waking up both the kid and the mage for dawn. Letting them sleep a little bit more wouldn’t hurt them.
But a nightmare would.
And that was what Fai was evidently going through.
Kurogane shook him gently. “Hey.”
Fai whimpered but didn’t wake up; instead he curled up even more against Kurogane.
The tears began to flow in earnest.
“Hey!” Alarm filled the ninja. “Mage!” Mumbling incomprehensively, Fai finally stirred and opened his eyes.
As Fai sat up slowly and gazed out at the vast expanse of white, breathing hard, Kurogane saw the blank look of horror in his sapphire eyes. The mage reached up and touched his face, as if unsure if the tears had followed him to the real world.
“You have a lot of nightmares, don’t you,” Kurogane winced as the blunt statement left his lips. A stray passing thought had somehow made it past his lips and he was afraid of what his insensitive statement might do to Fai.
“Mmmm,” Fai turned to Kurogane. “I have too many bad memories and too many unhappy thoughts to dream of more cheerful things, I suppose.”
“Tell me about it,” Kurogane suggested. “It’ll make you feel better, I think.” Kurogane was reminded of all the times when Tomoyo-hime had come to him after a particularly gruesome dream – usually all the worse, because it was the predictable future.
“You wouldn’t want to hear it,” Fai wiped away the tears on his sleeves and looked up at Kurogane, still clinging to him. A smile struggled to his face.
That’s it. The peace, the certainty Kurogane had felt before was gone. That stupid, stupid, smile!
“Will you stop smiling?” Kurogane hissed. “You’re right, I am happier when you’re happy. But only if you’re actually happy, not when you’re hurting and pretending. Not when you’re lying and hiding and locking yourself and your secrets up. I’m not happier when you’re running away from me, or when you’re talking about getting yourself killed, but I’d rather hear those thoughts, that are truly yours, than the ones that you make up. You just piss me off so much sometimes, but-”
-but sometimes, I just want to hold you tight and tell you it’s all going to be okay.
The door slammed open and Syaoran burst onto the roof.
“I’m sorry for sleeping in!” He huffed, hands on his knees. “You should have woken me up, Fai-san!”
He looked up and started blushing furiously. “Eeh? Kurogane-san, Fai-san! I’m sorry for, uh, for interrupting …” His voice trailed off.
Kurogane could feel his face heating up until it rivaled the shade of red that the kid had become.
“Oh, it’s no bother Syaoran-kun!” Fai beamed at him, his cheeks only slightly flushed. “You weren’t interrupting anything!”
He’s cute when he’s blushing.
Kurogane felt like slapping himself, and then throwing himself off a cliff. Preferably a cliff where sharp jagged rocks awaiting him at the bottom. Whatever dignity he had had, had just disappeared with that thought.
“In fact,” Fai looked up and grinned at Kurogane. “Kuro-pii had just finished confessing his love for me!”
Sometimes, it really worried Kurogane how Fai seemed to place no value in honesty.
“So, um, would you two like to get some rest?” Syaoran, flustered, gestured vaguely with his hands. “It is my watch …”
“Yes, I think I’ll be off now. I’ve heard what I wanted to hear,” Fai delicately got up.
Kurogane watched Fai walk away without a single glance back.
“I’ll be going too.” Kurogane was in a daze. Even to him, he was contradictory. He couldn’t deny the fact that in a way, he hated Fai, really, really, truly, deeply hated him. Hated his personality, hated the way he could talk about life as if it was something to throw around. Hated the way he closed himself to others, and in turn sometimes failed to understand what others saw of him. He hated how he tried so hard to be alone, when the most painful thing for him was himself.
Yet he wanted to protect him almost more than anything else in the world. He wanted to see Fai smile, and laugh, not out of need or habit but out of feeling. He wanted to see that blond hair fall across sparkling blue eyes filled with joy. He wanted to see him dance, sing, and joke around the way he did in the beginning of their first journey, but with sincerity. He wanted Fai not to talk about death and unhappiness and how he can’t escape, not because he chooses not to, but because he doesn’t need to. Hell, he wouldn’t even mind being called names if it meant he could chase him around.
He just wanted Fai to be happy.
Why did it feel almost like too much to ask?
Series: TRC
Pairing: KuroFai
Rating: PG
Length: about 3000 words, chapter 5 (1.5/??)
Note: runs parallel to Sapphire
Kurogane climbed back onto the roof, joining Syaoran as he looked out over the white plains. The approaching soldiers had come closer and now, as the sun was beginning to set, the previously nearly indistinguishable horizon had been emphasized with a band of men dressed in bright red.
They’re not even trying to hide, Kurogane thought disgustedly. They’re just shouting out, ‘We’re not afraid, because we know we can slaughter you all!’
Well, they’ve got a surprise coming. He stroked Souhi’s handle. He had had Ginryuu sent back to Tomoyo by the mage, and Fai had refused to place another spell on his arm, leaving him to sheath Souhi at his waist.
“They’ve just set up camp for the night,” Syaoran reported, gesturing at the mass of tents now erected, accompanied by a several fires.
“How many fires are there?” Kurogane squinted into the distance, glad that the flaming sun was at least not in his face.
“At least 20, as many as 25, I think.” Syaoran’s voice didn’t quaver, even at the thought of being possibly being outnumbered by eighty to one.
God damnit, it’s going to be a suicide mission, Kurogane felt despair threaten him, a feeling he was not very familiar with. Even I can’t take on eighty men at once without serious injuries, and who knows how many out there are sorcerers of this king.
“You should get some sleep,” he advised the kid. “You’ll need to be well-rested tomorrow.” And very, very lucky.
“Make sure to wake up Fai-san when it’s his turn to take watch so you can get some sleep too,” Syaoran gave Kurogane a serious look, as if he had read the older man’s thoughts and knew that Kurogane had planned to let the idiot sleep through his shift, if only so he wouldn’t have a chance to talk to him.
Kurogane mutely nodded and Syaoran descended into the attic from which Kurogane had just come from. Whether or not Kurogane would actually listen to his directives was a something that remained to be seen.
Tomorrow, I face an army to save people I barely know, Kurogane was left alone with his thoughts. Tomoyo-hime would be proud.
To his dismay, the vast majority of the thoughts that now visited him were not ones he wanted to have. Instead of thinking of how the three of them could possibly defeat a group of what appeared to be about 250 soldiers, he found himself thinking about the mage again.
I remember when I first saw him in that witch’s shop, he hadn’t been smiling. The memory came, of the day when he had arrived in a rage to the strange, more technologically advanced Japan. The day when his life had fallen apart, only to reassemble as something else entirely. He hadn’t been smiling, but by the time we made it to Hanshin, his mask was firmly in place. His precious “healing magic”.
He and Fai had arrived at the same time, with wishes as opposing as their personalities.
We’ve both changed, He ran his fingers lightly over his mechanical arm. As have our wishes and desires.
He has learned how to truly smile again, although it is not something that’s neither common nor easy for him. There was a time when I would have thought that his mask was completely gone, but it had only been replaced with a colder, icier one. Just when I think that that one had finally melted, leaving him exposed, I’m faced with what happened last night, and I’m not so sure anymore.
I’ve lost and gained an arm. According to Tomoyo, I’ve realized the meaning of true strength, but to me, it seems like all the first journey has given me is the knowledge that sometimes, I am powerless to help, no matter how desperately I may want to protect someone. It’s not a kind or soothing thought.
My wish was granted, yet I threw it away when I left again. His wish was overturned by himself when he wished to go to Celes and confronted Ashura.
The clone’s wish had been to retrieve all of the princess’s feathers, while the real kid’s wish had been to have another chance to save her life. Now, the clone is just a memory, and the kid is on another journey to grant a new wish.
The mage probably has a hidden wish, one that he would ever tell anyone about it without a lot of prodding and questioning, and maybe not even then. Who knows what he’s thinking about all the time? Not me.
I don’t even know my own desires. If today I were to be asked by that witch’s assistant what my wish was, I wouldn’t know how to answer anymore.
I wouldn’t wish for a victory tomorrow, as that wouldn’t be honourable. I wouldn’t wish that Syaoran succeeds in his journey, as that might not be possible, and besides, that would defeat the purpose of his, and my, travelling.
One thing that I could wish for, as I want it dearly, is something I couldn’t ever wish for, as the price shouldn’t be mine to pay.
I wish …
I wish the idiot could be happy.
But his happiness is something he must decide to make for himself.
I can only hope, and help in any way I can.
Just as I will for the kid.
Just as I would for Tomoyo-hime.
Just as I would have for my parents.
What happened to my parents won’t happen to him.
He’s mine to protect now.
In the end though, there was one thought that overwhelmed the rest and settled not only in his head, but in his heart as well.
I won’t let them die.
-
Silver light from the moon and stars spilled over the landscape. It would have been a beautiful view, if not for the soldiers sleeping at the edge of the visible plains.
As it was, Kurogane was not in the mood to enjoy scenery. It was midnight and his watch was over. He stood up and stretched, almost startled to see that time had passed so quickly with the absence of conscious thoughts.
He heard the latch to the door open and turned to see the blond step onto the roof, his long Celes robe dragging on the ground as usual.
Kurogane nodded to him and stepped inside. The coat that someone had lent him was slightly tight on him and he couldn’t wait to be out of it and in a heated room.
“Don’t fall asleep,” he grunted, holding the door open.
“Don’t worry, Kuro-pu,” he offered a small tentative smile. There was something odd.
The mage was … different somehow.
Kurogane glared at him.
“Good. I’m trusting you,” he said before closing the door.
Don’t let me down.
-
After skimming the surface of sleep for a couple of hours, Kurogane found himself staring out the window.
Come on, he commanded himself. If you’re not going to sleep, you should be thinking of a battle plan!
Instead, his head was filled with ridiculous thoughts of things he should do before it was too late and a growing sense of unease.
Heaving a sigh, he decided to check up on the mage and make sure he wasn’t slacking off.
-
He found him lying on his back, seemingly oblivious to the snow on the roof, with his eyes closed and humming.
“You know, being on watch usually involves watching,” Kurogane growled, leaning over him. “What if, a spy had been sent ahead to check out our defenses? Or an assassin had been creeping up to finish us off before we got a chance at an honorable battle?”
The humming stopped and a blue eye lazily blinked open.
“But I am watching, Kuro-pon! I’m using my magic to feel for auras and spells,” Fai sat up and rubbed his eyes. “I have to stay up here for at least another two hours until sunrise, so why are you here?”
Kurogane chose to ignore the question. “What if someone was hiding their magic, like you do?”
Fai shrugged. “If there was someone using magic and hiding it, I wouldn’t be able to see it either. Besides, I’ve placed wards around this entire town, and nothing will enter or leave without my permission.”
Kurogane grunted, at a loss for words.
Fai smiled. Kurogane scrutinized him, and decided it was a real smile, if only because it was not a happy one.
A mental battle promptly broke out in his mind. What should he do? Should he comfort the other man? Should he ask him what’s wrong? He wanted to, but he was a hardened seasoned warrior. He did not know, nor did he really care to, how to comfort people.
Finding himself in a suddenly awkward situation, Kurogane made a quick decision.
No one was going to die tomorrow, not if he could help it. But still … He really shouldn’t do anything that he wouldn’t want to remember as he was sent to his grave.
He squatted down and looked Fai in the eyes. “I told you before; don’t smile if you don’t feel like it. No one is forcing you to be happy. Your happiness is something you must make for yourself.” He found himself repeating his own thoughts from earlier.
“But Kuro-chan,” Fai said softly, sad smile still in place. “Wouldn’t you be happier if I was happy?”
Kurogane wondered how seriously Fai was asking the question and avoided his eyes as he thought. Should he answer truthfully? That yes, he would be? Or was this a trick, potentially dooming him to several more months of incessant teasing?
Still debating, he turned back; only to find that the other man had turned away, smile no longer present.
Left with the feeling that his moment had passed and he had not lived up to expectations, he felt oddly deflated.
The mage’s next words were spoken so quietly that he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to have heard them.
“Sometimes, Kuro-sama, I feel as if I’m running away faster from happiness than I am from life.”
Why? What kind of man runs away from happiness?
What kind of man runs away from life?
Finding himself, once again, unsure what to do or say, Kurogane spoke his mind.
“I really don’t understand you,” he spoke slowly, almost delicately, trying to measure the reaction to his words. There was none. “But I do understand this: you need to stop running, and start living.”
After a moment of quiet silence, Fai looked up again and the smile flowed back as if it had never been gone.
And while you’re at it, get rid of the fake smiles. They’re beginning to look worn.
The only sound to be heard was a faint rustle of clothing as Fai scooted over so he could rest his head on Kurogane’s shoulder. Almost automatically, Kurogane reached over with his arm and hugged Fai to him.
I’ll help you.
-
Time meandered placidly as Kurogane looked at, but did not see, the stars.
Fai had fallen asleep a short while ago, leaving Kurogane to watch the horizon for their enemy.
Stupid idiot, he thought, although not harshly, falling asleep during his shift.
Kurogane started humming, the tranquility and quiet doing much to put and keep him in a good mood. The feeling of Fai’s body against his made him happy, and it took him a few moments of reflection to figure out why.
He trusted him enough to fall asleep like this.
The thought warmed his heart and he couldn’t help a little smile as he looked down.
He looks so vulnerable when he’s sleeping. Kurogane subconsciously started stroking the other’s hair. The blond strands slipped through his fingers like a whispered secrets, escaping his grasp to fall down into perfect disarray again. He leaned in …
… and realized what he was doing. He withdrew his entire arm in shock.
What am I doing!?
Wha … What?!
Fai, apparently sensing the lack of warm around him, twisted closer to him without waking up.
Uncomfortable now, Kurogane froze, unsure what to do.
Get up, a part of him screamed at him. Get up, get up! Get up before something, before anything happens! You’re a warrior! You don’t have time for someone that can’t even live on his own! Leave him! GET UP!
He had almost made up his mind to leave and run away when the other part of him finally decided to spring to life.
No! Stay! The images flashed before him, of Fai in Outo, Fai in Piffle, Fai in Tokyo, Fai in Infinity, every time he had had that look on his face, the look that let Kurogane see just how afraid he was to trust again, to make another bond. Would you destroy him the same way Ashura did?
Ashura was a madman! He argued with himself.
No … Ashura loved Fai. More than anyone else, Fai was his most precious person … and it was because of that that Ashura did his very best to insure that Fai would break both his curses and could live on.
I can’t leave him.
Heaving a long sigh, he lifted Fai up onto his lap. No sooner than a few seconds after he was settled, Fai started making an odd sound.
Is he … purring? Kurogane was dumbfounded. Is it supposed to be possible for a human to make that sound?
Either way … Kurogane leaned back, placing his weight on his two palms as he stretched his arms behind him. He’s mine to protect now.
-
The smallest rays of sun had already started conquering the night when the first tears appeared, sliding silently down his cheek, leaving trails that glistened like frost.
Kurogane had decided against waking up both the kid and the mage for dawn. Letting them sleep a little bit more wouldn’t hurt them.
But a nightmare would.
And that was what Fai was evidently going through.
Kurogane shook him gently. “Hey.”
Fai whimpered but didn’t wake up; instead he curled up even more against Kurogane.
The tears began to flow in earnest.
“Hey!” Alarm filled the ninja. “Mage!” Mumbling incomprehensively, Fai finally stirred and opened his eyes.
As Fai sat up slowly and gazed out at the vast expanse of white, breathing hard, Kurogane saw the blank look of horror in his sapphire eyes. The mage reached up and touched his face, as if unsure if the tears had followed him to the real world.
“You have a lot of nightmares, don’t you,” Kurogane winced as the blunt statement left his lips. A stray passing thought had somehow made it past his lips and he was afraid of what his insensitive statement might do to Fai.
“Mmmm,” Fai turned to Kurogane. “I have too many bad memories and too many unhappy thoughts to dream of more cheerful things, I suppose.”
“Tell me about it,” Kurogane suggested. “It’ll make you feel better, I think.” Kurogane was reminded of all the times when Tomoyo-hime had come to him after a particularly gruesome dream – usually all the worse, because it was the predictable future.
“You wouldn’t want to hear it,” Fai wiped away the tears on his sleeves and looked up at Kurogane, still clinging to him. A smile struggled to his face.
That’s it. The peace, the certainty Kurogane had felt before was gone. That stupid, stupid, smile!
“Will you stop smiling?” Kurogane hissed. “You’re right, I am happier when you’re happy. But only if you’re actually happy, not when you’re hurting and pretending. Not when you’re lying and hiding and locking yourself and your secrets up. I’m not happier when you’re running away from me, or when you’re talking about getting yourself killed, but I’d rather hear those thoughts, that are truly yours, than the ones that you make up. You just piss me off so much sometimes, but-”
-but sometimes, I just want to hold you tight and tell you it’s all going to be okay.
The door slammed open and Syaoran burst onto the roof.
“I’m sorry for sleeping in!” He huffed, hands on his knees. “You should have woken me up, Fai-san!”
He looked up and started blushing furiously. “Eeh? Kurogane-san, Fai-san! I’m sorry for, uh, for interrupting …” His voice trailed off.
Kurogane could feel his face heating up until it rivaled the shade of red that the kid had become.
“Oh, it’s no bother Syaoran-kun!” Fai beamed at him, his cheeks only slightly flushed. “You weren’t interrupting anything!”
He’s cute when he’s blushing.
Kurogane felt like slapping himself, and then throwing himself off a cliff. Preferably a cliff where sharp jagged rocks awaiting him at the bottom. Whatever dignity he had had, had just disappeared with that thought.
“In fact,” Fai looked up and grinned at Kurogane. “Kuro-pii had just finished confessing his love for me!”
Sometimes, it really worried Kurogane how Fai seemed to place no value in honesty.
“So, um, would you two like to get some rest?” Syaoran, flustered, gestured vaguely with his hands. “It is my watch …”
“Yes, I think I’ll be off now. I’ve heard what I wanted to hear,” Fai delicately got up.
Kurogane watched Fai walk away without a single glance back.
“I’ll be going too.” Kurogane was in a daze. Even to him, he was contradictory. He couldn’t deny the fact that in a way, he hated Fai, really, really, truly, deeply hated him. Hated his personality, hated the way he could talk about life as if it was something to throw around. Hated the way he closed himself to others, and in turn sometimes failed to understand what others saw of him. He hated how he tried so hard to be alone, when the most painful thing for him was himself.
Yet he wanted to protect him almost more than anything else in the world. He wanted to see Fai smile, and laugh, not out of need or habit but out of feeling. He wanted to see that blond hair fall across sparkling blue eyes filled with joy. He wanted to see him dance, sing, and joke around the way he did in the beginning of their first journey, but with sincerity. He wanted Fai not to talk about death and unhappiness and how he can’t escape, not because he chooses not to, but because he doesn’t need to. Hell, he wouldn’t even mind being called names if it meant he could chase him around.
He just wanted Fai to be happy.
Why did it feel almost like too much to ask?