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burningdarkfireTitle: Falling For You - Quiet
Series: TRC
Pairing: KuroFai
Rating: PG
Length: about 3000 words, chapter 13 (13/26)
“Pssst.”
“Pssssssssssssst.”
“Kuro-mu!”
“Kuuuuuro-muuu, I know you can hear me!”
“Kuro-“
“What!?” Kurogane finally caved and turned around to face Fai.
“Hi!” Fai beamed at him and waved enthusiastically, despite the fact that they were in the middle of a math lesson and Kurogane was less than a meter away from him.
Kurogane’s eye twitched. “You’ve been poking me and whispering for the past five minutes just to say hi to me?”
“Of course! I just wanted to show Kuro-mu how much I love him!” Fai grinned at him despite the glare that was dominating Kurogane’s face.
“You are an idiot,” Kurogane said slowly.
“Waaah! Kuro-mu’s so mean to me!” Fai’s lips trembled, though the effect was ruined when a giggle escaped.
“Suwa-san! Fluorite-san! Pay attention!” Their teacher barked out. “What’s x in this equation?”
Fai barely glanced at the board before replying smoothly with the correct answer.
With an annoyed grunt, the teacher turned back to the rest of the class.
Ashamed at having been singled out, Kurogane faced the front of the class again and ignored the finger that started prodding him the second its owner couldn’t see Kurogane’s face anymore. He gritted his teeth as the poking became more insistent, drumming out random rhythms on his back and generally being a nuisance. Before long, his chair was also being kicked and his hair, although short, was being pulled – and it hurt.
Kurogane looked over his shoulder for long enough to hiss a brief warning. “If you don’t stop now, I’ll punch you at recess!”
“You’d have to catch me first!” Fai whispered back, eyes twinkling. “And everyone knows that you’ll never be able to do that!”
“Tch. We’ll just see about that!” Kurogane couldn’t resist the challenge to his pride, although he did realize that he would probably not even come close to catching the other boy. Fai was excelling at all of his lessons in the martial arts studio, as was Kurogane, and was now exceptionally good at running away.
“How is your training coming along?” Fai asked as if he had read Kurogane’s mind.
“Fine.” Kurogane grunted.
“You’ve become so quiet lately,” Fai smiled sadly. “You’ve shut everyone out.”
“Don’t be a hypocrite.” Kurogane’s eyes burned into Fai’s. The other merely laughed.
“Do you ever talk to anyone besides me anymore?” Fai persisted.
“I talk to Souma-chan!” Kurogane replied indignantly. “And I talk to Doumeki-kun, Watanuki-kun, and Himawari-chan too! Besides, you never talk to anyone either.”
“Au contraire, Kuro-mu!” Fai chirped cheerfully. “I talk to everyone because I’m not grumpy all the time!”
Kurogane just shot him another look. “You don’t ever properly talk to anyone – all you do is ramble on about some nonsense or another. When is the last time you told anyone what you were truly feeling?”
Fai’s smile wavered. “Who would care enough to listen? You have your own problems, Kuro-mu.”
“Idiot,” Kurogane mumbled. “I do care. You can tell me anything.”
“As if.” Kurogane barely caught the whisper that slipped past Fai’s lips.
Then Fai changed the topic and refused to say anything more on the subject, even when Kurogane pressed.
Withdrawing, Kurogane grumbled to himself about how Fai was such an enigma. He had a way of thinking that seemed completely illogical to Kurogane: he was afraid, terrified, of being alone, and yet he chose to alienate himself.
-
When Fai called him to arrange another meeting at the park, Kurogane agreed with the slight hope that Fai might actually confess his worries to him for once, instead of leaving cryptic messages that Kurogane could never decipher and unanswerable questions that raised one of the most important of all: what was it that made Fai ask them?
“Hello, Kurogane,” Fai greeted him without moving from his spot on the grass, with his chin on his knees and his arms wrapped around himself. Kurogane dropped down beside him, worried about the state Fai was in if he had been addressed with his real name.
“What’s wrong?” Kurogane asked, wondering what had happened this time.
“You said you would listen, right Kurogane? You said you cared enough to listen.” Fai seemed desperate for reassurance, for the knowledge that there was someone that cared.
“I will,” Kurogane replied honestly. “I’ll listen to whatever you have to say, even if I don’t like it. I’ll listen if it makes you feel better, and I’ll be here for you to talk to if you ever need anyone. I don’t want you to be alone, Fai.”
Fai’s hair was struck by moonlight, causing to almost glow. Kurogane was struck with the feeling, the realization, that Fai was different. Fai wasn’t like Kurogane, or Souma, or any other of their classmates. He was so … unreachable.
“Aren’t we all alone?” Fai whispered, voice breaking the silence. “We all keep our own secrets in our heart – even those we love hide things from us. Even those we trust keep secrets from us. Are we not all isolated from each other?”
“But doesn’t to trust someone mean to have faith in them, even if they’re not telling us everything?” Kurogane countered. “I trust you, Fai, but we both know you keep more stuff from me than you tell me.”
Fai smiled sadly. “I’m touched, Kuro-mu. Tonight, I’m going to tell you something that I’d rather you not tell anyone else, okay?”
Kurogane nodded solemnly.
“Ashura-san has a daughter named Chii.” Fai’s eyes hardened at the name. “Apparently she dislikes honorifics or something.”
“What’s wrong with that?” Kurogane questioned curiously. “I mean, I know I say Tomoyo is annoying all the time, but having a sibling, even if she’s not related to you, is pretty nice. You won’t be so lonely.”
Fai stiffened and froze. A frigid silence resided between the two boys until Fai got up and stalked away. Bewildered, Kurogane got up and pursued him.
“What is it?” He asked as he followed one step behind Fai. “What did I say?”
Fai suddenly stopped walking and Kurogane watched as his fists clenched, then unclenched, over and over again.
Finally, Kurogane tentatively reached out and touched Fai on the shoulder. He wanted to comfort him, but didn’t know what to say or do. “Fai?”
Fai turned around. A smile resided once again on his face, although his eyes directly contrasted it. “It’s nothing, Kurogane. Forget it.”
Kurogane frowned. “Why should I forget it? It’s obvious something is causing you pain, and you won’t tell anyone about it. It can’t be healthy to keep it all to yourself.”
“Because it’s a secret, Kurogane.” Fai refused to drop the smile that seemed so natural. “Secrets aren’t meant to be told.”
“Secrets carried by one person alone will only destroy that person,” Kurogane argued. “It’s only human to share with others, to connect with them. Even the strongest person will shatter if they’re alone for too long.”
Fai shook his head. “I guess we disagree on many things, Kuro-mu. But anyway, can we get back to what I was going to tell you?”
Kurogane was reluctant to change the topic, but he could see that Fai wasn’t going to relent and he was curious about whatever Fai wanted to tell him. “What is it, then?”
Fai took a deep breath and then blew it out noisily, causing his bangs to briefly flutter in the dead nighttime air. “Like I said before, Ashura-san has a daughter. She moved in yesterday.”
“Where was she the past year?” Kurogane asked. “Was she with her mom or something? I didn’t know Ashura-san was married ...”
Fai laughed harshly. “He’s not. She was at boarding school, in her home country, but she decided to come live here because apparently Ashura-san told her about me and made her curious.”
“Okay …” Kurogane said slowly. “But that still doesn’t explain why you’re upset.”
And if you’re upset, how can you still smile like that?
“I’m getting to that part. The thing is, Chii is also my half-sister.” Fai let out a small chuckle at Kurogane’s sharp intake of breath. “Yeah, I finally found out how Ashura-san is related to me.”
“So … Ashura-san …?” Kurogane trailed off.
“My mother gave birth to Chii two years before she got married to my dad and had … me,” Kurogane barely registered the slight pause before the last word. “But …” Fai fixed his eyes on the sky, gazing despairingly at the tiny specks of light that he could never reach. “I never knew. I doubt my dad knew either … it was a secret that my mother kept from all of us. She never even went back to see Chii after she left Ashura-san …”
Kurogane bit his tongue. He didn’t want to say anything, but he was thinking it all the same. Fai’s mother seemed nothing like his own … not kind, not loving.
Kurogane was swept into another memory of red against white. He clenched his fists and dragged himself back into the present, scolding himself for zoning out.
“… can’t believe she would keep something like that a secret,” Fai was saying. “Is it too much to ask, that I’m able to trust my own mother?”
Kurogane shook his head. “Just because she had another child, doesn’t mean that she was a bad person. I’m sure she loved you very much, Fai.”
“No,” Fai looked at him oddly, a frightening look in his eyes. “She loved too much, and that caused her downfall. That’s why I must become stronger, so that one day I may feel nothing at all.”
“But then what will you have to live for?” Kurogane demanded.
A smile twisted Fai’s face. “All dreams must end, Kurogane.”
A tense silence thrummed in the air before Kurogane punched the ground. “I can’t accept that.” He growled.
Fai flinched. “What is there to accept, Kuro-mu?”
“My name,” Kurogane’s voice was barely a rumble. “Is Kurogane. And I can’t accept the fact that someone is so willing to give up on life – it is that kind of people that I hate the most in this world. The people who are willing to throw their lives away as if they’re just trash, without a second thought to those they’re leaving behind. People with such a low disregard for life, when there are others that struggle just to see another day.”
Another harsh, bitter laugh cut through the air. “Who would care if I died, Kurogane?”
“As you go through life, you make bonds. Whether it is just someone you help on the streets one day … or someone that you see every day of your life, you create a bond with that person that can never be broken, because the past cannot be rewritten.” Kurogane leaned forward. “And it is because of these bonds, that I’m sure many people would cry if you were to die.”
“When people are at a funeral, and they’re crying, are they crying for the person that died or themselves?” Fai countered. “It seems to me more like they’re crying for their own selfish reasons, because they’ve been left behind and the person didn’t care enough to stay …”
“But what if the person died by accident, or by … disease?” Kurogane could feel tears threatening his eyes, but he ignored them, too driven by anger to care. “Would you still say they didn’t care enough to stay, if they had no choice?”
“It sounds to me, Kurogane,” Fai spat out. “Like you’re feeling very sorry for yourself that your dear mommy didn’t love you enough to see a doctor and try to live.”
“It’s not like that!” Kurogane shouted. “She just didn’t want us to worry!”
“You just keep telling yourself that,” Fai smirked, the anger painting his face in dark colors.
Kurogane threw himself at Fai and punched him in the face. Fai fell backwards with a howl of pain, clutching his face, as Kurogane stood over him, fists clenched.
“Huh,” Fai said as he pushed himself up, a pained smile still stuck on his face. “I guess I still have a way to go before I can stop feeling, hmm?”
With a roar, Kurogane leapt at him again. Fai yelped and ran away, dodging all of Kurogane’s swipes and quickly outdistancing him.
Midnight found Fai crouched in a tree as Kurogane glared up at him, panting hard. “Now, Kuro-mu, was that really necessary?”
“Apologize for what you said about my mother.” Kurogane demanded, his voice flat. “Say you’re sorry!”
“I’m sorry.” Though Kurogane couldn’t see Fai’s face, he thought the other boy really was sincere. “But Kuro-mu, don’t you have something to apologize for too?”
“I only spoke the truth,” Kurogane snapped back, still angry.
“The truth as it appears to you, maybe,” Fai seemed to feel it was safe to descend to the lowest branch to talk to Kurogane. “But your truth isn’t the same as my truth.”
Kurogane snorted. “How can there be more than one truth?”
“Because what something is is not always a question of hard facts, but rather of perspectives,” Fai shifted a bit on his branch as it creaked ominously. “And I think I can say, and you’ll agree, we see things very differently, Kuro-mu.”
Although still annoyed, Kurogane could feel his anger beginning to fade. “I just don’t want you to talk about stuff like that, okay?”
Fai looked back up at the stars, straining to see through the tangle of branches and leaves. When he spoke, his voice echoed with betrayal and hurt. “As you wish, Kurogane.”
Although Kurogane felt guilty, he also felt relieved that there would be no more of these nighttime talks and didn’t regret what he said. “Good.”
Fai, however, was apparently not willing to leave it at that. “I should have known you were just like everyone else, Kurogane. There is no one I can trust … those I do will only betray me in the end.” He dropped from the tree and dashed away into the small forest on the side of the park furthest away from the road.
“Wait! Fai!” Groaning with frustration, Kurogane gave chase, only to quickly lose sight of Fai within the trees. “Fai! Where are you?”
After crashing through the brushes fruitlessly for nearly a quarter of an hour, Kurogane paused to rethink his strategy (and maybe to rest just a little bit). He doubted Fai had left the park, since he rarely seemed to want to go home, so either Fai was very well hidden or he was doing a very good job of keeping away from Kurogane.
Kurogane closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths, slowing his breathing and calming himself down, then opened them and started creeping along the forest floor. He reasoned that if Fai couldn’t hear him coming, he wouldn’t be able to run away.
After another fifteen minutes without finding Fai, Kurogane was beginning to despair. The forest would take a while to fully comb through, assuming Fai stayed in one spot, which he probably didn’t. He grimly concluded a temporary surrender and started trudging home, beating himself up mentally for being such a bad friend.
He pondered whether or not to get a sleeping bag and stake out the entrance to the park, so that whenever Fai tried to get home he would wake him, but soon realized that Fai could easily slip past him.
Kurogane was distracted by a squeak and directed his attention to the swings, where he found Fai swinging idly back and forth.
Kurogane stomped his way over to the sand pit. “Where have you been all this time?”
“Why should you care?” Fai’s eyes pierced him like chips of ice.
“I do care,” Kurogane insisted. “But there are some things …”
“So what? You’re to be like everyone else?” Fai sneered. “You’re going to pretend listen to me when it pleases you, then stomp all over me when you feel like it? You’re going to gain my trust then lead me along and use me?”
Kurogane growled in frustration and paced around the playground. “Why me? Why am I the one that you singled out?”
“I place faith in your promises, Kurogane,” Fai answered angrily. “I thought maybe you were different and maybe … just maybe …” His voice trailed off mid-sentence again.
“Maybe what?” Kurogane yelled, just as mad. “If you want me to listen, don’t just tell me a little bit here and a little bit there. If I’m going to listen to you, the good, the bad, and the ugly, then I want to listen to everything. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us!”
“There are some things,” Fai whispered. “That are not meant to be shared.”
Kurogane just shook his head in disgust. “All or nothing.”
“Well what about you, Kurogane?” Fai stared at him intensely again, still swinging back and forth, back and forth. “What about all those secrets you’ve kept from me?”
“What secrets?” Kurogane snapped.
“I seem to remember hearing something about an older brother,” Fai responded. “Youou, I believe his name was?”
Kurogane froze. “How do you know about him?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Fai shot back. “All that matters is that we all have our secrets. No one can possibly know everything about someone else.”
“How am I supposed to trust you now?” Kurogane demanded. “Besides, even if I did want to help you, and I did care, doesn’t mean I want to listen to all of your depressed thoughts!”
“Kurogane,” Fai said, serious and calm all of a sudden. “I assure you that I’m not suicidal, despite what you might think. Not yet, anyway. I won’t die.”
With a final disgruntled ‘tch’, Kurogane offered his hand out to Fai. The blond stopped swinging for long enough to nuzzle against Kurogane’s arm instead of taking it as intended, ticking him off again (although he didn’t show it), before pumping his legs hard.
“Catch me, Kuro-mu!” Fai cried as he leapt off the swing, golden hair turned silver in the moonlight.
“Idiot!” Kurogane shouted as he scrambled forwards. “Why’d you do that?”
Fai crashed into Kurogane and landed without dignity on top of him. “Hyuu! That was fun!”
“Fun for you, maybe,” Kurogane grumbled. He would have plenty of new bruises in the morning, he was sure of it.
“Sorry, Kuro-mu! Should I kiss it all better?” Still sitting on Kurogane, Fai lay down so that he was lying comfortably on his stomach on the other’s back. When Kurogane frantically declined his offer, Fai just laughed lightly. “You sure are comfortable, Kuro-mu.”
Kurogane blushed fiercely, glad that the other couldn’t see his face. “You’re an idiot. Just be glad I was here to catch you!”
Fai just started purring like a demented cat.
-
Now (21 years and 5 months old)
Looking back, Kurogane thinks of that night as a turning point – it had been the first sign of a rift between the two best friends, the first warning of the tragedies and betrayals to come.
If only I had known.
-
A/N - Er, Youou doesn't come back until much much later, so you can just forget about him now ^^' This marks the halfway point of the series, as well as the end of the first arc (although it's not really noticeable/recognizable as an arc ^^') It was difficult to write this mini-arc, with the death of Kurogane's mother, and I'm really not sure how well I did at keeping them relatively in character and still having everything that I wanted to happen happen =/
Also, NaNoWriMo is killing me. So close to the end, yet I'm also dangerously close to failing x.x
Series: TRC
Pairing: KuroFai
Rating: PG
Length: about 3000 words, chapter 13 (13/26)
Quiet (9 Years and 10 Months Old)
May 12, 10: 9 Years and 5 Months Old
May 12, 10: 9 Years and 5 Months Old
“Pssst.”
“Pssssssssssssst.”
“Kuro-mu!”
“Kuuuuuro-muuu, I know you can hear me!”
“Kuro-“
“What!?” Kurogane finally caved and turned around to face Fai.
“Hi!” Fai beamed at him and waved enthusiastically, despite the fact that they were in the middle of a math lesson and Kurogane was less than a meter away from him.
Kurogane’s eye twitched. “You’ve been poking me and whispering for the past five minutes just to say hi to me?”
“Of course! I just wanted to show Kuro-mu how much I love him!” Fai grinned at him despite the glare that was dominating Kurogane’s face.
“You are an idiot,” Kurogane said slowly.
“Waaah! Kuro-mu’s so mean to me!” Fai’s lips trembled, though the effect was ruined when a giggle escaped.
“Suwa-san! Fluorite-san! Pay attention!” Their teacher barked out. “What’s x in this equation?”
Fai barely glanced at the board before replying smoothly with the correct answer.
With an annoyed grunt, the teacher turned back to the rest of the class.
Ashamed at having been singled out, Kurogane faced the front of the class again and ignored the finger that started prodding him the second its owner couldn’t see Kurogane’s face anymore. He gritted his teeth as the poking became more insistent, drumming out random rhythms on his back and generally being a nuisance. Before long, his chair was also being kicked and his hair, although short, was being pulled – and it hurt.
Kurogane looked over his shoulder for long enough to hiss a brief warning. “If you don’t stop now, I’ll punch you at recess!”
“You’d have to catch me first!” Fai whispered back, eyes twinkling. “And everyone knows that you’ll never be able to do that!”
“Tch. We’ll just see about that!” Kurogane couldn’t resist the challenge to his pride, although he did realize that he would probably not even come close to catching the other boy. Fai was excelling at all of his lessons in the martial arts studio, as was Kurogane, and was now exceptionally good at running away.
“How is your training coming along?” Fai asked as if he had read Kurogane’s mind.
“Fine.” Kurogane grunted.
“You’ve become so quiet lately,” Fai smiled sadly. “You’ve shut everyone out.”
“Don’t be a hypocrite.” Kurogane’s eyes burned into Fai’s. The other merely laughed.
“Do you ever talk to anyone besides me anymore?” Fai persisted.
“I talk to Souma-chan!” Kurogane replied indignantly. “And I talk to Doumeki-kun, Watanuki-kun, and Himawari-chan too! Besides, you never talk to anyone either.”
“Au contraire, Kuro-mu!” Fai chirped cheerfully. “I talk to everyone because I’m not grumpy all the time!”
Kurogane just shot him another look. “You don’t ever properly talk to anyone – all you do is ramble on about some nonsense or another. When is the last time you told anyone what you were truly feeling?”
Fai’s smile wavered. “Who would care enough to listen? You have your own problems, Kuro-mu.”
“Idiot,” Kurogane mumbled. “I do care. You can tell me anything.”
“As if.” Kurogane barely caught the whisper that slipped past Fai’s lips.
Then Fai changed the topic and refused to say anything more on the subject, even when Kurogane pressed.
Withdrawing, Kurogane grumbled to himself about how Fai was such an enigma. He had a way of thinking that seemed completely illogical to Kurogane: he was afraid, terrified, of being alone, and yet he chose to alienate himself.
-
When Fai called him to arrange another meeting at the park, Kurogane agreed with the slight hope that Fai might actually confess his worries to him for once, instead of leaving cryptic messages that Kurogane could never decipher and unanswerable questions that raised one of the most important of all: what was it that made Fai ask them?
“Hello, Kurogane,” Fai greeted him without moving from his spot on the grass, with his chin on his knees and his arms wrapped around himself. Kurogane dropped down beside him, worried about the state Fai was in if he had been addressed with his real name.
“What’s wrong?” Kurogane asked, wondering what had happened this time.
“You said you would listen, right Kurogane? You said you cared enough to listen.” Fai seemed desperate for reassurance, for the knowledge that there was someone that cared.
“I will,” Kurogane replied honestly. “I’ll listen to whatever you have to say, even if I don’t like it. I’ll listen if it makes you feel better, and I’ll be here for you to talk to if you ever need anyone. I don’t want you to be alone, Fai.”
Fai’s hair was struck by moonlight, causing to almost glow. Kurogane was struck with the feeling, the realization, that Fai was different. Fai wasn’t like Kurogane, or Souma, or any other of their classmates. He was so … unreachable.
“Aren’t we all alone?” Fai whispered, voice breaking the silence. “We all keep our own secrets in our heart – even those we love hide things from us. Even those we trust keep secrets from us. Are we not all isolated from each other?”
“But doesn’t to trust someone mean to have faith in them, even if they’re not telling us everything?” Kurogane countered. “I trust you, Fai, but we both know you keep more stuff from me than you tell me.”
Fai smiled sadly. “I’m touched, Kuro-mu. Tonight, I’m going to tell you something that I’d rather you not tell anyone else, okay?”
Kurogane nodded solemnly.
“Ashura-san has a daughter named Chii.” Fai’s eyes hardened at the name. “Apparently she dislikes honorifics or something.”
“What’s wrong with that?” Kurogane questioned curiously. “I mean, I know I say Tomoyo is annoying all the time, but having a sibling, even if she’s not related to you, is pretty nice. You won’t be so lonely.”
Fai stiffened and froze. A frigid silence resided between the two boys until Fai got up and stalked away. Bewildered, Kurogane got up and pursued him.
“What is it?” He asked as he followed one step behind Fai. “What did I say?”
Fai suddenly stopped walking and Kurogane watched as his fists clenched, then unclenched, over and over again.
Finally, Kurogane tentatively reached out and touched Fai on the shoulder. He wanted to comfort him, but didn’t know what to say or do. “Fai?”
Fai turned around. A smile resided once again on his face, although his eyes directly contrasted it. “It’s nothing, Kurogane. Forget it.”
Kurogane frowned. “Why should I forget it? It’s obvious something is causing you pain, and you won’t tell anyone about it. It can’t be healthy to keep it all to yourself.”
“Because it’s a secret, Kurogane.” Fai refused to drop the smile that seemed so natural. “Secrets aren’t meant to be told.”
“Secrets carried by one person alone will only destroy that person,” Kurogane argued. “It’s only human to share with others, to connect with them. Even the strongest person will shatter if they’re alone for too long.”
Fai shook his head. “I guess we disagree on many things, Kuro-mu. But anyway, can we get back to what I was going to tell you?”
Kurogane was reluctant to change the topic, but he could see that Fai wasn’t going to relent and he was curious about whatever Fai wanted to tell him. “What is it, then?”
Fai took a deep breath and then blew it out noisily, causing his bangs to briefly flutter in the dead nighttime air. “Like I said before, Ashura-san has a daughter. She moved in yesterday.”
“Where was she the past year?” Kurogane asked. “Was she with her mom or something? I didn’t know Ashura-san was married ...”
Fai laughed harshly. “He’s not. She was at boarding school, in her home country, but she decided to come live here because apparently Ashura-san told her about me and made her curious.”
“Okay …” Kurogane said slowly. “But that still doesn’t explain why you’re upset.”
And if you’re upset, how can you still smile like that?
“I’m getting to that part. The thing is, Chii is also my half-sister.” Fai let out a small chuckle at Kurogane’s sharp intake of breath. “Yeah, I finally found out how Ashura-san is related to me.”
“So … Ashura-san …?” Kurogane trailed off.
“My mother gave birth to Chii two years before she got married to my dad and had … me,” Kurogane barely registered the slight pause before the last word. “But …” Fai fixed his eyes on the sky, gazing despairingly at the tiny specks of light that he could never reach. “I never knew. I doubt my dad knew either … it was a secret that my mother kept from all of us. She never even went back to see Chii after she left Ashura-san …”
Kurogane bit his tongue. He didn’t want to say anything, but he was thinking it all the same. Fai’s mother seemed nothing like his own … not kind, not loving.
Kurogane was swept into another memory of red against white. He clenched his fists and dragged himself back into the present, scolding himself for zoning out.
“… can’t believe she would keep something like that a secret,” Fai was saying. “Is it too much to ask, that I’m able to trust my own mother?”
Kurogane shook his head. “Just because she had another child, doesn’t mean that she was a bad person. I’m sure she loved you very much, Fai.”
“No,” Fai looked at him oddly, a frightening look in his eyes. “She loved too much, and that caused her downfall. That’s why I must become stronger, so that one day I may feel nothing at all.”
“But then what will you have to live for?” Kurogane demanded.
A smile twisted Fai’s face. “All dreams must end, Kurogane.”
A tense silence thrummed in the air before Kurogane punched the ground. “I can’t accept that.” He growled.
Fai flinched. “What is there to accept, Kuro-mu?”
“My name,” Kurogane’s voice was barely a rumble. “Is Kurogane. And I can’t accept the fact that someone is so willing to give up on life – it is that kind of people that I hate the most in this world. The people who are willing to throw their lives away as if they’re just trash, without a second thought to those they’re leaving behind. People with such a low disregard for life, when there are others that struggle just to see another day.”
Another harsh, bitter laugh cut through the air. “Who would care if I died, Kurogane?”
“As you go through life, you make bonds. Whether it is just someone you help on the streets one day … or someone that you see every day of your life, you create a bond with that person that can never be broken, because the past cannot be rewritten.” Kurogane leaned forward. “And it is because of these bonds, that I’m sure many people would cry if you were to die.”
“When people are at a funeral, and they’re crying, are they crying for the person that died or themselves?” Fai countered. “It seems to me more like they’re crying for their own selfish reasons, because they’ve been left behind and the person didn’t care enough to stay …”
“But what if the person died by accident, or by … disease?” Kurogane could feel tears threatening his eyes, but he ignored them, too driven by anger to care. “Would you still say they didn’t care enough to stay, if they had no choice?”
“It sounds to me, Kurogane,” Fai spat out. “Like you’re feeling very sorry for yourself that your dear mommy didn’t love you enough to see a doctor and try to live.”
“It’s not like that!” Kurogane shouted. “She just didn’t want us to worry!”
“You just keep telling yourself that,” Fai smirked, the anger painting his face in dark colors.
Kurogane threw himself at Fai and punched him in the face. Fai fell backwards with a howl of pain, clutching his face, as Kurogane stood over him, fists clenched.
“Huh,” Fai said as he pushed himself up, a pained smile still stuck on his face. “I guess I still have a way to go before I can stop feeling, hmm?”
With a roar, Kurogane leapt at him again. Fai yelped and ran away, dodging all of Kurogane’s swipes and quickly outdistancing him.
Midnight found Fai crouched in a tree as Kurogane glared up at him, panting hard. “Now, Kuro-mu, was that really necessary?”
“Apologize for what you said about my mother.” Kurogane demanded, his voice flat. “Say you’re sorry!”
“I’m sorry.” Though Kurogane couldn’t see Fai’s face, he thought the other boy really was sincere. “But Kuro-mu, don’t you have something to apologize for too?”
“I only spoke the truth,” Kurogane snapped back, still angry.
“The truth as it appears to you, maybe,” Fai seemed to feel it was safe to descend to the lowest branch to talk to Kurogane. “But your truth isn’t the same as my truth.”
Kurogane snorted. “How can there be more than one truth?”
“Because what something is is not always a question of hard facts, but rather of perspectives,” Fai shifted a bit on his branch as it creaked ominously. “And I think I can say, and you’ll agree, we see things very differently, Kuro-mu.”
Although still annoyed, Kurogane could feel his anger beginning to fade. “I just don’t want you to talk about stuff like that, okay?”
Fai looked back up at the stars, straining to see through the tangle of branches and leaves. When he spoke, his voice echoed with betrayal and hurt. “As you wish, Kurogane.”
Although Kurogane felt guilty, he also felt relieved that there would be no more of these nighttime talks and didn’t regret what he said. “Good.”
Fai, however, was apparently not willing to leave it at that. “I should have known you were just like everyone else, Kurogane. There is no one I can trust … those I do will only betray me in the end.” He dropped from the tree and dashed away into the small forest on the side of the park furthest away from the road.
“Wait! Fai!” Groaning with frustration, Kurogane gave chase, only to quickly lose sight of Fai within the trees. “Fai! Where are you?”
After crashing through the brushes fruitlessly for nearly a quarter of an hour, Kurogane paused to rethink his strategy (and maybe to rest just a little bit). He doubted Fai had left the park, since he rarely seemed to want to go home, so either Fai was very well hidden or he was doing a very good job of keeping away from Kurogane.
Kurogane closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths, slowing his breathing and calming himself down, then opened them and started creeping along the forest floor. He reasoned that if Fai couldn’t hear him coming, he wouldn’t be able to run away.
After another fifteen minutes without finding Fai, Kurogane was beginning to despair. The forest would take a while to fully comb through, assuming Fai stayed in one spot, which he probably didn’t. He grimly concluded a temporary surrender and started trudging home, beating himself up mentally for being such a bad friend.
He pondered whether or not to get a sleeping bag and stake out the entrance to the park, so that whenever Fai tried to get home he would wake him, but soon realized that Fai could easily slip past him.
Kurogane was distracted by a squeak and directed his attention to the swings, where he found Fai swinging idly back and forth.
Kurogane stomped his way over to the sand pit. “Where have you been all this time?”
“Why should you care?” Fai’s eyes pierced him like chips of ice.
“I do care,” Kurogane insisted. “But there are some things …”
“So what? You’re to be like everyone else?” Fai sneered. “You’re going to pretend listen to me when it pleases you, then stomp all over me when you feel like it? You’re going to gain my trust then lead me along and use me?”
Kurogane growled in frustration and paced around the playground. “Why me? Why am I the one that you singled out?”
“I place faith in your promises, Kurogane,” Fai answered angrily. “I thought maybe you were different and maybe … just maybe …” His voice trailed off mid-sentence again.
“Maybe what?” Kurogane yelled, just as mad. “If you want me to listen, don’t just tell me a little bit here and a little bit there. If I’m going to listen to you, the good, the bad, and the ugly, then I want to listen to everything. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us!”
“There are some things,” Fai whispered. “That are not meant to be shared.”
Kurogane just shook his head in disgust. “All or nothing.”
“Well what about you, Kurogane?” Fai stared at him intensely again, still swinging back and forth, back and forth. “What about all those secrets you’ve kept from me?”
“What secrets?” Kurogane snapped.
“I seem to remember hearing something about an older brother,” Fai responded. “Youou, I believe his name was?”
Kurogane froze. “How do you know about him?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Fai shot back. “All that matters is that we all have our secrets. No one can possibly know everything about someone else.”
“How am I supposed to trust you now?” Kurogane demanded. “Besides, even if I did want to help you, and I did care, doesn’t mean I want to listen to all of your depressed thoughts!”
“Kurogane,” Fai said, serious and calm all of a sudden. “I assure you that I’m not suicidal, despite what you might think. Not yet, anyway. I won’t die.”
With a final disgruntled ‘tch’, Kurogane offered his hand out to Fai. The blond stopped swinging for long enough to nuzzle against Kurogane’s arm instead of taking it as intended, ticking him off again (although he didn’t show it), before pumping his legs hard.
“Catch me, Kuro-mu!” Fai cried as he leapt off the swing, golden hair turned silver in the moonlight.
“Idiot!” Kurogane shouted as he scrambled forwards. “Why’d you do that?”
Fai crashed into Kurogane and landed without dignity on top of him. “Hyuu! That was fun!”
“Fun for you, maybe,” Kurogane grumbled. He would have plenty of new bruises in the morning, he was sure of it.
“Sorry, Kuro-mu! Should I kiss it all better?” Still sitting on Kurogane, Fai lay down so that he was lying comfortably on his stomach on the other’s back. When Kurogane frantically declined his offer, Fai just laughed lightly. “You sure are comfortable, Kuro-mu.”
Kurogane blushed fiercely, glad that the other couldn’t see his face. “You’re an idiot. Just be glad I was here to catch you!”
Fai just started purring like a demented cat.
-
Now (21 years and 5 months old)
Looking back, Kurogane thinks of that night as a turning point – it had been the first sign of a rift between the two best friends, the first warning of the tragedies and betrayals to come.
If only I had known.
-
A/N - Er, Youou doesn't come back until much much later, so you can just forget about him now ^^' This marks the halfway point of the series, as well as the end of the first arc (although it's not really noticeable/recognizable as an arc ^^') It was difficult to write this mini-arc, with the death of Kurogane's mother, and I'm really not sure how well I did at keeping them relatively in character and still having everything that I wanted to happen happen =/
Also, NaNoWriMo is killing me. So close to the end, yet I'm also dangerously close to failing x.x
